by Art Lortie

There's a scene in "Planet Of The Apes" where Taylor -- played by Charlton Heston -- diagnoses all the ills of an ancient man by examining the relics they've just unearthed from th remains of his ancient home.

From these , he comes to the conclusion that the poor man was near sighted, had false teeth, and was suffering from a number of other chronic ailments.

In 6939, the time capsule buried at the 1939 New York's World Fair will be opened by some genetically engineered descendent of the human race with a super-sized cranium [you read it here first!]. Inside, he'll find a number of pulp magazines that -- like the artifacts at Taylor's archeological dig -- will give him an idea of what early 20th century man was like.

Specifically, he'll be able to build a profile of a small sub-section of humanity -- the pulp readers -- simply from the advertisements!

For instance, if he peruses the ads included in Thrilling Wonder Stories 12/1937, he'll come to the irrefutable conclusion that the average reader not only never leaves his house, but is likely bedridden, to boot!

There are many clues are that he's a hideous ogre, shunned by society.

He's suffering from runaway acne [both Baumburgh Products and Marvo Beauty Labs have a cure!], toothless [Dr S B Heininger offers false teeth -- with a 60-day trial! Makes you wonder where the ones you bought came from!], and all that lying about has turned him into a 98-pound weakling [Charles Atlas to the rescue!].

Combine all this with a hormone imbalance [Zo-ak Co. has a pill for the doomed "Men Past 40"] that has turned him into a hairy Neanderthal [Probak and Star offer shaving products] and he's as grotesque as the legendary Frankenstein's monster.

If that weren't bad enough, Future Man then notes that the poor guy is constipated [Ex-Lax, Adlerika Co.], has bad kidneys [Cystex, Gold Medal Haarlem Oils], a rupture [Brooks Appliance Co.], prostate problems [Prostex Co. and Midwest Products], piles [Dr Van Vleck, The McCleary Clinic] and a bad back [Gold Medal Haarlem Oils again].

Even breathing is apparently no easy task, since he's either suffering from asthma [W K Sterline] or the common cold [Luden's Menthol Cough Drops, F J Cheney and Co. for nasal congestion]. But thats OK 'cause he's covered by a sick benefit policy [from National Protective Insurance Co.]

Heck, even if he COULD get lucky, he's infertile! [Dr H Will Elders has a cure].

The hapless pulp reader is also terribly underskilled and unable to compete in the job market -- there are ads for training as a radio technician, musician, drafter, forest ranger, private investigator and a plethora of government jobs.

This sickly, mishapen soul probably wouldn't dare leave the house anyway even if he could, since Eveready has an ad telling him he'll be swept away by a flood [this fear is reinforced by a Jack Binder cartoon of the Second Deluge]. Worrying about this has clearly given him an ulcer [Twin City Von Co.] and high blood pressure [National Utona Co] Art Lortie