By Doug Kaye (with apologies to E.A. Poe) 12/7/05
Illustrated by Jim Garrison

Once upon a Christmas dreary,
From too much shopping was I weary,
Seen too many a quaint and curious item in a crowded store,
While at PC, nearly napping, idly at keyboard tapping,
Suddenly came email zapping, crapping up my virtual floor.
"'Tis some solicitor," I muttered, "crapping up my virtual floor;
Only this, and nothing more."

Ah, but dimly I remember, I think it was in mid-December,
Ere I could become a member of my favorite online store.
Eagerly I clicked the missive; past the time to be dismissive,
Would that I had been derisive, and had chose Delete once more --
Consigned it to that limbo whence my spam went in defeat once more,
Choiceless here forevermore.

Open here I took the email, claiming to be from a female,
Promising a picture tawdry, one I could download and store,
But instead of young and tender flesh from the opposing gender,
My weary eyes beheld a vendor, offering no smut galore,
Wanting me to buy his Rolex, at prices too low to ignore,
A Rolex watch, and nothing more.

Then this bastard so beguiling, complete with graphic (yellow, smiling)
Into my webmail started piling offers suspect more and more,
"No, you don't," I cried out, rattled, "I will not be so embattled,
Who gave you my address has tattled, and is a dirty little whore!
Tell me what your foul domain is so I can stop you ere you score."
Showed the message, "never.more"

Much I marvelled this surprising domain name, so enterprising,
Though it still held no appeal, raised no more interest than a snore,
But to adopt a name so craven, stolen thus from Poe's "The Raven" --
This, the height of misbehavin', brought my temper to the fore,
To cheapen literature so crassly, made me boil to the core,
To see the name of "never.more"

Then the email, still beguiling, still with goddam face a-smiling,
Sent a flood of offers to sell me Viagra in that door,
And I tried, with my heart sinking, to stem this foul outburst by linking
To a SpamBlock website, thinking I could stop him sending more,
Wondering what this mad, malicious, repugnant blot of icky gore
Meant in using "never.more"

Thus I sat engaged in guessing, while my soul so sore distressing,
Found gangs of poor Nigerian bankers, all with sad tales to implore;
This and more I was beholding, as my In Box kept unfolding
More garbage that deserved a scolding, and quite thin my patience wore,
And still the email kept unfolding, as so thin my patience wore,
From the domain, "never.more"

Then, methought, the mail got thicker, and the tone of it got sicker,
Offering horny teenagers who could very well have lived next door.
"Wretch," I cried, "Is nothing sacred? Showing me these nymphets naked,
Telling me they'll give or take head, as they writhe upon my floor?
Shame! O shame upon thy foulness, I don't want them on my floor!"
Blinked the cursor, "never.more"

"Profit?" shrieked I, "Art thou seeking Profit?" I continued shrieking,
"Whether tempter sent, or whether Mammon tossed thee here ashore,
I'll ignore thee, I'm undaunted, no matter what more flesh you've flaunted,
I will not be by thee haunted -- what could thou have next in store?"
It then offered Balm -- from Gilead; I could use it on a sore.
But would not cure this "never.more"

Dazed was I, as from a mugging, and made motions for unplugging
So I might be quit of electronic onslaughts which I bore.
But ere connection could be broken, though my thought I had not spoken,
This email beast I had awoken slid my chair across the floor!
Kept my butt glued to my seat and slammed and locked my chamber door!
Spoke the speakers: "never.more!"

And yours truly, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
While my eyes are locked upon the monitor for evermore;
And the emails keep on scrolling, like "Ol' Man River", keeps a-rolling,
And I know my doom is tolling as I pee upon the floor.
And my resolve, so surely weakened, cannot hold out anymore,
And I will buy from.... "never.more"