There's a corpse here in the pantry
   with its forehead all bashed in.
Someone's used a Malay war club
   to commit this gruesome sin.

In the groves that dot the hillsides,
   something gray and mighty big
skulks and spies; it's really hairy,
   and it doesn't wear a wig.

Now young Richard's in the study
   where he paces up and down.
His brave jaw is jutting firmly,
   right below a worried frown.

There are clues in every cranny;
   there are fingerprints galore:
on the panel in the north wall;
   in the bloodstains on the floor.

There's that hairy chap; he's everywhere;
   the lawn, the shed, the house.
And he villainizes freely:
   sordid scoundrel! Scurvy louse!

In the basement laboratory
   Where our plucky Anna's strayed,
she has found an oddish table
   and it has her most afraid.

It is metal – bright and shiny –
   'mongst electrical array
but its straps and drainage system
   put her in a gloomy way.

Anna says, "I'd better leave now,"
but before she makes the door
   it flies open and the ape-thing
tells her "Uh-uh" with a roar.

Upstairs, cerebral Richard,
   unaware of Anna's plight,
hears commotion, goes to check it.
   (You or I would die of fright.)

Now, the lab is locked up tightly
   which he ponders for a bit
until the clues all come together!
   Richard nearly has a fit.

Guessing Anna must be locked in
    Richard hurls his manly bulk.
Breaks the door down, rushes forward,
   spots the snarling apish hulk.

"You vile ape, I do not fear you,"
   Richard tells his simian foe.
The gorilla shrugs and fetches
   Rich a most ferocious blow.

As Richard's form describes an arc
   connecting with the ground,
Anna raises up her lovely head
   From where she lies strapped down.

"I knew Richard was a brave man,"
   she tells that hairy ghoul.
"But I never realized he
   was a total hopeless fool."

The ape just shrugs and tightens straps
   so she can not go south,
and produces a bandana
   with which to tie her mouth.

Now he lifts up Richard's body
   and he dumps it by her there.
Oh, that ape was mighty happy;
   did not seem to have a care.

"Ah, yes, my sweet," the ape-thing said
   (that really shook her up)
"I haven't been this glad, you know,
   since I was just a pup."

"Mrph! Pflugh!" she said; and bounced about
   while it gave just a chuckle.
"Don't bother, child, you can't get loose.
   I've tightened every buckle."

"But you're just bait, my virgin she,
   not otherwise important,
although your purity achieved
   much more than could a war chant."

Now, if you've never seen an ape
   festoon its face with grin,
do not attempt to view the thing
   or fright may do you in!

"Ha hoo!" it cried and tossed its arms
   and did a little dance.
"I've worked my plan so cleverly,
with nothing left to chance!"

So now the ape explains it all.
   It takes about four hours.
But for your sake I'll pare it down,
   though please don't send me flowers.

This ape who once had been a man
   (who had his brain transplanted),
decided to be one again
   (toward which its scheme was slanted.)

And all the gizmos in the room
   poor Anna heard it tell her
would swap its mind for Richard's mind
   right here in this dank cellar.

Back to the action let us go:
   The ape attached some cable
to Richard's head, and to its own,
   as quick as it was able.

So now the ape, with triumph gloats
   and reaches for the switch
but barely is the switch nudged down
   when movement comes from Rich.

But as our hero rises up,
   to give the ape a tackle,
the cable comes alive with sparks,
   electrically a-crackle.

Our Richard's ire has been aroused;
   this villain's made him sore.
He gives the beast a pummeling
   it isn't ready for.

The cops come soon to haul it off
   to jail or to a zoo.
Proud Richard watches as they leave
   and Anna says, "Mrmph! Mroo!"

"Oh, my!" says Richard with a laugh.
   "Did I forget your plight?"
He frees her of her straps and she
   delivers him a right.

But as he roused up later on,
   "I lost my head," she said.
"I owe you much. Here's your reward.
   Next Thursday we'll be wed."

And so, in wedded bliss they locked
   while all their friends looked on,
and by a friendly airline to
   their honeymoon were flown.

And not a doubt but she had done
   the right thing bothered Anna.
Until her Richard said to her,
   "Please pass me that banana."