Don't you need a thing this Christmas
That you can give to Cousin Bing,
That will keep him much too busy
To come visit in the spring?
Or a gift for your Aunt Frieda
That will take her breath away
So the place will stay real quiet
'Cause she can't think what do say?
You need Doctor Celko's Miracle:
It's the perfect gift this year.
And you'll thank Joe Celko for it,
And wish him Christmas cheer.
Yes, it dances and it prances,
It shimmies and it shakes.
It reasons through all seasons,
It eliminates the fakes!
It can bone, arrange a loan.
Block your hat or clean your flat.
It can ticket, clear a thicket.
It can do much more than that.
So, salute Celko's invention
As the wonder of the age.
(And it comes in these great colors:
Avocado, peach or beige.)
But never ask the secret
Of its purpose 'neath the sun.
The secret of its purpose is
There really isn't one.
But it slices and its dices
And detects a lot of lies.
It curdles, it leaps hurdles.
And it makes those curly fries.